Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Story Of My Life
The dream of success all started with my birth... May 11, 1992 in a place that may be familiar to many of you, "Dominican Republic". I moved at the age of 3 to the city where my parents believed to never struggle a day in there life, "New york City". They were wrong you know, life is as hard here as in any other place. In D.R life was simple and there wasn't a thing to worry about accept for a way out. This way out was through education.<----(Why is this important). I currently live in New York, Manhattan and cant stand the city. If i had to choose as a child to never come to New York, i would probably not know English and would of definitely never made it this far in my education. Therefor i thank my parents for risking everything they had for me, because in a long run i will succeed.
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Joel my name is Javed, another student just like you at LaGuardia. I first want to say I like how short and simple you kept you idea and the paragraph. It was straightforward and to the point. I liked how you were able to tell about your personal life without getting too personal. I liked you transition words you used for example therefore with an E. But, there were few spelling errors and sentence structure issues and YOU MUST REMEMBER TO MAKE YOU I’S CAPITALIZED. ITS VERY IMPORTANT ALTHOUGH THIS IS A BLOG PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES BUT YOU DEFIFNITLY HAVE TO RE READ YOUR WORK AND MAKE SURE YOU TACKLE THOSE (I’S). HERE AR MY SUGGESTIONS TO YOU AND YOU’RE DEFFINITLY FREE TO KEEP YOU IDEA.
ReplyDeleteThe dream of success all started with my birth... May 11, 1992( YOU CAN PUT A PERIOD AFTER 1992.) AND BEGIN CAPATALIZING THIS- in a place that may be familiar to many of you, THE"Dominican Republic". I moved ( TO NYC AT THE AGE OF THREE, WHERE MY PARENTS BELIEVED THAT. HOWEVER I DON’T QUITE GET THAT SENTENCE REVISION IS NECESSARY)at the age of 3 to the city where my parents believed to never struggle a day in there life, "New york City". They were wrong you know, life is as hard here as in any other place. In D.R life was simple and there wasn't a thing to worry about accept( NOT ACCEPT , ACCEPT MEANS TO RECEIVE THE WORD I THINK YOURE LOOKING FOR IS EXCEPT.) for a way out. This way out was through education.<----(Why is this important). I currently live in New York, Manhattan,( YOU NEVER SAY THE STATE FIRST, IT ALWAYS COMES LAST . SO EX: QUEENS ,NEW YORK OR BRONX, NEW YORK. and cant stand the city. If i had to choose as a child to never come to New York, i would probably not know English and would of definitely never made it this far in my education. Therefor i thank my parents for risking everything they had for me, because in a long run i will succeed. MY LAST SUGGESTION IS YOU COULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE ( IF I WERE GIVEN A CHOICE NEVER TO COME TO NY I WOULD NOT HAVE KNOWN ENGLISH OR MADE IT THIS FAR IN TERMS OF EDUCATION. THEREFORE (I) &IN THE LONGRUN I INTEND ON SUCCEEDING.